Can you remember a time when you absolutely, categorically disagreed with something someone said, did, or was planning to do? You may have been critical, judgmental, or even gotten into a heated argument with this person because of it. Well I sure can. I recall a time years ago when my daughter told me that she was going to do something with her friends at a time and a place that I didn’t approve of. She was young at the time, in her teens. I can’t recall the specifics of the argument but I CAN remember this: At closure, my rationale for her not having the freedom to do what she wanted to do ended at “Because I’m your Father and I SAID SO! That’s it! No more discussion!” And, of course, with that she stomped off to her room and we both took a long time before we got together to discuss THAT matter again. Sound familiar anyone? Anybody who has a parent and lived any period of time in the household has been given that ultimatum at least once in your life! Which, I think, is essentially everyone.
So, about a year later, I had a very unique opportunity to do some role playing at a training seminar. The presenter pretty much posed the same question I posed to open this topic, asking that we identify such a circumstance because we were going to use it in a role playing exercise. After some discussion and a brief training around how to put one’s self in another person’s position, I then joined a colleague of mine at a small table in the corner of the hall. I took the role of my daughter Keri and my colleague took the role of me; the adamant parent. Well, words cannot express how much this exercise affected me. Here I was, quite effectively taking on her role, vehemently arguing the position she had taken; what I wanted to do, how I told all my friends I would be there with them, demonstrating in a way that showed, while not exclusively spoken out loud, this matter meant so very much to me and by not allowing me to do it was tremendously hurtful . “How could you do this to me now????? I’M READY TO LEAVE ! NOW!”. That part of me, the teenager that was trying to “grow up”, learn independence, show my friends that I had some control over my own decisions was being challenged! My emotions were clearly coming to a boil. I was so involved in my role as a teenager that I saw my colleague more as a dictator; not A FATHER! None of the reasons he was giving even made any sense to me!. He was being immature and irrational! (I even remember stepping back into my own self asking “Why wasn’t he trying to negotiate this out with me? Isn’t there a compromise that we could arrive at ??? I’m only thirteen years old, so I can’t expect to be carrying a lifetime’s worth of coping methods and the best you have is ‘Because I’m your Father….. and I SAID SO ! ‘ ?.” You’re an IDIOT! )
And then it struck me… along with the ever so important appreciation for what Keri was arguing for, I had another equally important realization. My colleague was SO good at taking on his role as me that I acquired a veiled contempt for him and the position he took; and I didn’t like what I saw at all….. I didn’t like what I saw of… me. On reflection I really performed quite poorly, I didn’t have a very cogent final argument for her not to go…I surely had some reason to not allow her to go out but the issue was that I didn’t manage the matter in an adult and mature fashion. And I didn’t really see it, in fact never even dwelled on it at any time, until I was involved in the role playing.
The quote I originally selected for this posting was the (Native American?) adage “Don’t judge a man unless you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins” and the original destination of the role playing exercise was to put myself in the other persons shoes to better appreciate his/her position. But I ended up using Robert Burns’ piece because, while I did walk away from the role-playing exercise with a much better understanding of a teenager’s values, the other destination, (the self-realization of how poorly I handled myself, my composure, the immediate outcomes of the argument with Keri) was a much better one, albeit bittersweet. There certainly is an incredible unreplaceable value in gaining a better understanding of one’s self.
The last portion of Burns’ poem “To a Louse” translates as:
Oh, that God would give us the very smallest of gifts
To be able to see ourselves as others see us
It would save us from many mistakes
and foolish thoughts
We would change the way we look and gesture
and to how and what we apply our time and attention.
habit 5: “Seek 1st to understand, then to be understood.” I think if we all try and did this, the world would be a much nicer place.
ABSOLUTELY! That “Coveyism” is one of my favorites! Very apropos for this topic. Thank you for the contribution.
That Habit is the one that I thought of, but have a hard time living up to. It’s difficult when one is responsible for the protection of your child; but being forced to loosen the reins because they’re teenagers. This was an excellent post and I’ll try to stop and think before I say, “Because I said so.” again. 🙂
Thank you for sharing Scooter. I agree, parenthood is one of those situations that you can find yourself in where you can think back and say you wish you had more preparation, more formal training in advance. And emotions can be so much a part of the raising a child. I have a post coming that I think a lot of people will relate to: Impulsiveness. Stopping and thinking before any action can be key to how well things can turn out in a variety of circumstances. Stay tuned !
Well said. Parent or not, your insights gained through role-playing are relevant to all. I’ve often quoted that same stanza from Mr. Burns, but I haven’t always lived its message!
Thank you Mr. Camel. All we can do is try, right ?
Totally agree about putting yourself in other people’s shoes (or moccasins). As I have struggled with my teens and their snippy remarks and attitudes, I have done some reading on parenting a teen. I came to the conclusion that I need to think like a teen – what are my worries, my fears, my biggest challenges? Most teens are struggling with being accepted – they just want to ‘fit in’. So as parents, we tell our kids that we often say ‘no’ because we love them and are not trying to harm them. On the flip side, they are kids who want to belong and be a kid – they are not trying to hurt themselves or us (for the most part). Sometimes when they have a really crazy idea, I just sit on it for a little bit… the idea often fizzles out due to other parents, etc. (BTW, I do this for work, too. Crazy ideas come around all the time… just sit on them and let them stew a bit. They may often fizzle out as well.)
It’s tough being a parent. It isn’t something that is taught to us prior to having kids..at least I wasn’t taught nor did I seek out training prior. I give you credit for doing the reading Sandy… I did it without a map or compass… in retrospect, as naively as I would have approached anything as a teenager! Fortunately, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks ! 🙂
So true Sandy. There’s an age when we know better than to let our kids do something they should not ; that’s why we’re here right? I also agree that it’s a great idea to educate ourselves to achieve a better understanding or level of compassion. It helps us grow. Applying the “hurry up and wait ” strategy I’d a great idea. Being one of those ” crazy idea factories” , it takes a person like yourself to keep the sanity. I think T.A.Edison said ” An idea without action is just a hallucination” but to your point sometimes certain actions/ideas deserve an equal and opposite (in) action.